It's Hard to Overstate the Power of Forgiveness Turned Into Action

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

Once, I had a friend who didn’t believe in forgiveness. She took Maya Angelou’s advice to heart: When people show you who you are, believe them the first time. And if a person wrongs you, they have done exactly that. Move on to someone better.

As a person who finds it tough to hold a grudge (with a few notable exceptions), I found this confusing. I felt a lot of pressure during our conversations, and I weighed my words carefully, so I didn’t find myself on the cutting room floor. Eventually, of course, we parted ways. No real friendship can survive a perpetual “one-and-done” purity test.

Radical Acts of Release

After finally making it to church this week after several weeks of Sunday morning caregiving and travel obligations, the sermon was about “radical forgiveness.” It was delivered by a senior member of my church’s staff. He wove a fascinating narrative about the power of forgiveness and how some people can forgive systemic injustices and breathtaking acts.

The sermon made me think of the impact my first story for Fast Company had on me. One of my interviews was with social scientist Lorenn Walker, who had just left a bar when an unknown assailant violently attacked her and nearly murdered her. Her recovery took months. In the decades since the attack, Walker became a leader in the restorative justice movement, counseling violent crime survivors and prisoners on how to make peace with the past and cultivate meaning in their lives.

“You have the power to determine how you’re going to look at a situation, and you don’t give that power to other people, particularly people who are bad or who hurt you,” she told me. She said that she has been able to reframe the attack as the catalyst that led her to create greater peace and meaning.

Walking the Talk

Lately, I’ve been walking around somewhat angry at the world on a pretty consistent basis. Even as I center love and joy in my life, it's hard to ignore so many things. The horrific acts in so many headlines. The healthcare challenges faced by so many, including my father, who is experiencing a long, painful death from congestive heart failure and dementia and must fight for his care to be covered. People who say and do the most hateful, hurtful, and callous things without regard for the damage they cause.

How do you forgive when you or others are still hurting—or being hurt?

Sometimes, the answer is to remove ourselves from the situation or cut off contact. There are certainly times when such actions are warranted. But if we did that every time someone hurt us or we found ourselves facing distressing news, we’d be lonely, uninformed, and carrying around no small burden of bad feelings. After all, grudges can get heavy, especially when they’re all stacked up, and they give the object of our ire a measure of control and constancy in our lives.

I like the idea of taking a page from Walker’s wisdom, focusing on letting go of hurt and bitterness and reframing the situation as an opportunity to learn or grow. I know… that sounds like it deserves a double eye roll, especially in the face of atrocities. But when I think about Walker, I think about how she put her deeply personal hurt into action. The ripple effect has made a positive difference in the world.

Think about what could happen if every hurt or hateful act spurred an opposing new movement; if, instead of creating silos in the face of transgressions, we instead doused them with the sunshine of communication and exploration and, together, released those grudges and worked toward a better world? It’s lofty—maybe even corny—but what potential for magnificent change there would be.

Are You a Forgiver?

How do you forgive? Are you good at it? I’d love to hear more: connect@bloomanywhere.com.