Finding the Balance Between Fixing and Holding Space

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

This weekend, I had a conversation with someone I don’t know well. During our chat, she shared that she was wrestling with a big question: As a queer person, should she take advantage of an opportunity to leave the country and live in a place where her rights would not be as threatened?

Upon hearing the question, two things happened: First, I felt a profound sense of sadness and anger at the injustice. No one should feel they need to leave the country to feel safe. Then, my brain went to work.

In my head, I immediately started making a pro/con list about the decision. What would she have to gain or give up based on the choice? I thought of local resources and personal contacts who might be able to help with advice, legal counsel, and immigration insights. I thought about timelines, budget, and who she could contact about collecting Social Security benefits from an ocean away when the time came.

Did I mention that I don’t even know her last name?

The Art of the Fix

Welcome to the mind of a “fixer.” Give us a problem or challenge, and we are off to the races, mapping out circumstances, solutions, and resources. Got a problem with a co-worker? We’ll suggest some language to broach an uncomfortable topic. Household or budget issue? We’ll help you brainstorm the next best steps and offer up a few resources. Health issue? We’ve got—or will find—the name of the best doctor in that area.

Fixers revel in helping others find solutions. And it doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to figure out the reasons why. Helping others feels good. Finding solutions gives us a sense of control in a chaotic world. It can enhance feelings of self-worth. Some of us may have been conditioned this way in our childhoods or used it as a coping mechanism for trauma. (Of course, there are other reasons that are probably best left to mental health professionals to explain.)

Fixing the Fixer

How and why a fixer became that way aside, having one in your life can be a powerful and comforting thing. We may help you get to the solution you need. It’s kind of our thing.

But fixing can also have a dark side. After all, few of us want unsolicited advice. It often feels like criticism. Fixers can come across as know-it-alls. We’ve all had the experience of sharing a personal matter and having the other person launch into a litany of advice that isn’t relevant, possible, or wanted. That sort of interaction can even damage relationships. Sometimes, people just want a safe space to be heard or to vent—they don’t need anyone to fix anything.

I’ll admit that, while my fixer tendency is enormously useful sometimes, I work hard at keeping it in check. In my personal life, if I’m feeling my fixer part rev up during a conversation, but I’m not sure if that’s what the other person wants, I’ve learned to ask a clarifying question: Would you like advice and resources, or would you like me to just listen? It’s clunky, but it’s remarkably effective in getting us on the same page and avoiding the annoyance of unwanted input.

During the interaction with my acquaintance this weekend, I kept the swirl of my thoughts to myself. It wasn’t hard to recognize that she had shared the question, rather than asked it. As she continued to speak about her decision-making process, it was clear that she had covered every thought or resource I would have offered.

Of course she did. This is a big question she’s been considering for a while. She’s a smart and capable woman. And her life experience is different than mine. What she needed from me was to listen and offer a moment of kindness and shared humanity.

But if she ever needs the name of a great cancer doctor, input from a quantum physicist, a brainstorm about a new business idea, or a recommendation for a great bagel shop—or whatever else needs fixing—I’m here for her.

Are you a fixer? How do you feel about the fixers in your life? I’d love to hear from you: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

Bloom Drops

Award-winning: This week, what I’d like to share is a bit of good news. Bloom Anywhere was awarded an honorable mention in the Personal Platform category at the American Society of Journalists and Authors Awards. I’ve been a member of ASJA for many years, and this recognition feels pretty darn good. Most of all, though, I’m gratified by the response from people who take the time to read it. Thank you. Truly.