Over the years, I’ve written a fair bit about resilience, including the first piece I wrote for Fast Company. In it, I shared the story of being treated for early-stage breast cancer more than a decade ago.
One day, I was taking my daughter to soccer practice. We were running late, and she put her cleats on in the car as I parked. She grabbed her bag and ran across the field to her team. I followed at a slower pace. The chemo had taken a lot out of me, but it was nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine.
By that time, I had gotten used to the looks. After I lost my hair, I refused to wear a wig. I had a small collection of pretty scarves that were my head covering of choice. Sometimes, I even forgot I was wearing them. I approached another woman I knew standing with a friend. I smiled and the woman, alarmed, asked, “What are you doing here?”
At first, I thought I made a mistake. Was I there on the wrong day?
“What do you mean?” I asked. “You should be home resting!” Ah. Home resting. I had cancer and was undergoing chemo. I got that a lot from well-meaning friends, acquaintances, family members, and colleagues. People thought I should take to my bed. That wasn’t possible. I struggle to stay in bed all night, let alone days on end. I worked during chemo. I was so grateful to have projects that allowed me to migrate from the computer to the couch as I needed to rest. Working made me feel normal and kept my mind off of being a cancer patient.
The heart of resilience
Around that time, I became fascinated with the subject of resilience. What is it that makes some people able to withstand life’s body blows, while others fold up their tents and go home? Why do some people find a way to pivot and move on while others stay mired in their obstacles and failures? A sidenote: There’s some backlash around the world resilience now. Some say it’s overused. Others say it’s a way to tell people to “deal with it” when encountering hardships. I recently spoke to someone who said, in essence, it’s an industrial term and shouldn’t be used for humans.
I considered those points. I see them differently.
My intent isn’t to tell you to keep going when you are exhausted or hurting. Instead, this is about building a framework within our lives to help support us when we need it.
Building a resilient framework
Through speaking with others and my personal experience, I found six factors that reinforce resilience and help us get through and get past tough times. Resilient people:
1. Build strong, healthy relationships with others who support them
2. Reframe actions and situations in healthy ways
3. Draw their self-worth from multiple sources
4. Accept a measure failure as part of life without letting it derail them
5. Forgive (which is not the same as making the same choices or being naïve)
6. Embrace a sense of purpose bigger than themselves
These are all important areas of our lives and when each is nurtured and strong, we can lean on them when the other areas might not be doing as well.
Each of these traits needs context, of course. Extreme reframing—revising your views to the point where they’re not realistic—is unhealthy and veers into toxic positivity. Failure can sometimes be devastating, so brushing it off or being cavalier about it isn’t wise, either.
In other words, there are few absolutes in life. The point is that, when we practice these behaviors in healthy ways, they are elements that are critical to healthy resilience. The best news? You can develop them. I’ll do a deeper dive into each in future issues.
The caveat
For some, being resilient isn’t a choice. It’s the only way to survive. And there are times when the playing round just isn’t equal. While I do believe that we can all make our lives better, wherever they are, there is a matter of fairness that comes into play, as well. Some people deal with circumstances beyond their control that make being resilient and forward-moving more difficult than for others who don’t have those challenges. Illnesses and disabilities create additional challenges. Systemic issues like racism and income inequality do, too. There is no intent here to make light of these real and significant issues. I always seek to learn and be a better, more inclusive person.
Resilience is at the core of changing our lives for the better. So, if we can find ways to help ourselves face challenges, gain the strength to reach our goals, and bounce back better or faster, let’s do that.
Gwen
What I'm:
Making: I like to have a regular creative practice beyond writing. (It's good for us to make some mediocre art.) I’m a terrible painter, but I love dot painting, especially mandalas. I’m pulling out my paint and brushes again to make a few. Here were some of my favorites. The dot painting is meditative, and I can almost look past the imperfections. Almost. Acceptance is a work in progress.
Reading: Under the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. I was late to this young adult series party, but I’m reading this novel and its sequel for my book club. It's not my typical fiction fare, but Klune has made me laugh out loud several times. Recommend.
Watching: “Severance.” I love the dark story and dramatic tension. The show raises interesting questions about life, work, and the nature of existence. (And it’s filmed at Bell Works, an historic building nearby and where I’ve attended a craft show—although not on the severed floor.)
