Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and get more joy out of life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.
Several months after I finished breast cancer treatments more than a decade ago, I was struggling. My prognosis was good, but the surgery, chemo, radiation, and every-other-week Herceptin infusions had taken their toll. While I continued to work and see some friends and family members throughout treatment, my energy levels and compromised immune system increasingly limited my ability to be around too many people.
For an off-the-charts extrovert who needs regular interaction with others for energy and mental health, that was tough. And, one night, when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I reached out to some friends at the last minute to invite them to dinner. They had plans. I took their raincheck unreasonably hard.
“We don’t have pizza friends,” I said, my voice catching, after my husband asked me what was wrong. He was understandably confused. I don’t even like pizza that much.
Isolation had warped my perspective, and in my mind’s eye, everyone else in our world had easy access to their circles whenever they wished. Weekend barbeques and Friday-night pizza dates happened automatically. Pizza friends.
Of course, that sitcom version of life was about as realistic as the characters from Friends affording such posh New York City apartments on early-career salaries. We led busy, active lives. We did have good friends, but they were struggling with the same full plates. Weekly pizza dates weren't realistic. Still, I was onto something, and I realized I needed to shed my shame about needing more time with others and actively cultivate more connections and friendships.
A Friendship Recession
Soon, I learned through conversations with others that I wasn’t alone. Friends and acquaintances were feeling a similar need for connection, companionship, and deeper friendships. After all, friendships help improve our lives, enhance our health, and provide us with support during challenging times, to name a few benefits. Little did we know that, years later, the pandemic would take an even greater toll on the population’s collective loneliness and social isolation.
In 2020, I interviewed former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, whose book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, touched a nerve and became a New York Times bestseller. (No wonder. The book was released a few weeks after the pandemic shut down the world.) During the interview, Murthy was surprisingly forthcoming about his feelings of loneliness throughout his life and his frustration as he listened to patients discuss their social isolation pain. He did not have ready solutions for them.
In 2021, research from the American Enterprise Institute (AEI) further revealed how bad things had gotten. Daniel A. Cox, director of AEI’s Survey Center on American Life, coined the term “friendship recession” after the center’s research revealed that friendship levels had plummeted over the previous few decades. Roughly half of Americans (49%) reported having three or fewer close friends. One in five (12%) had no close friends at all.
In 2023, as Surgeon General, Murthy declared loneliness an “epidemic” and a public health risk for both individuals and society, contributing to health issues including heart disease, dementia, stroke, and premature death. His advisory asserted that “the mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day . . . ”
We Need More Friendship
After my pizza-friend disappointment, I prioritized and systematically created more opportunities for connection in my life. My writers group meetings became a must-do each month. I also became more purposeful about making plans with friends in advance to accommodate our busy schedules. A soccer mom friend and I invited some other friends to create a book club. Now in its 12th year, some of these women have become my closest confidants. A few of us went to an art show two weeks ago.
I still seek out new opportunities for connection. A friend and I set a monthly lunch date that we treat as one of the most important items on our calendars. On a recent research trip to Boston, I planned a slew of lunch and dinner dates to catch up with local friends and family members. And I say “yes” to more invitations—even when they require effort or a measure of discomfort, like a recent reunion that turned out to be more fulfilling than I could have imagined. I live with a condition that causes chronic pain, so it’s important to protect time and energy. However, friendship investment sometimes requires putting ourselves out there when we are feeling the sofa’s siren call.
Right about now, introverted readers are recoiling into a hard cringe. I get it. At the same time, introverts also need friendship and connection, albeit in smaller doses. I often make these plans without my husband (to his relief), as his need for alone time to recharge rivals my need for social interaction. This is where Murthy’s advisory is important. He described loneliness as “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” (Emphasis mine) In other words, we need individually calibrated levels of connection. Your mileage may vary, but the need is still there.
Meaningful connection also helps us see each other’s humanity. In this time of division and acrimony, friends, acquaintances, and even friendly interactions help us build small bridges that can make us more open to one another and find common understanding.
Reversing the friendship recession, both in our own lives and in society, takes purposeful attention, energy, and work. But the return on that investment, ranging from people who answer your call in the middle of the night to those who make time for Friday-night pizza, can be invaluable and help us build the communities that get us through tough times or celebrate our triumphs.
How are you cultivating connection and friendship in your life? Please drop me a note: connect@bloomanywhere.com. I'd love to hear about it.
Bloom Drops
Things I want to share with you.
Connecting: If you want to read more about loneliness and what to do about it, this piece by Harvard University writer Elizabeth M. Ross is insightful and offers some ideas for overcoming social isolation.
Building businesses: Next week is National Small Business Week. This event holds a special place in my heart, as I was named a regional Young Entrepreneur of the Year back in the day. Check out the U.S. Small Business Administration’s site to learn more about this nationwide event. And Inc., where I’ve been a contract editor for more than a decade, is hosting an exciting Small Business Week series featuring the stars of ABC’s “Shark Tank.” Support small businesses.
Keeping up: Yes, another plug for a Mansueto Ventures product: If you’re interested in keeping up with the latest technology, subscribe to Harry McCracken’s Plugged In newsletter. After reading a recent issue, I’ve been playing with the app-building platform Replit to build my own goal-setting app. Interesting stuff.
