Three Common Words and Phrases Getting in the Way of What You Mean

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

Generally, I’m not a fan of language policing. Everyone has words and phrases that set their teeth on edge. As a business writer, I live in a world littered with jargon, some of which is truly irritating. (Looking at you, “leverage” instead of “use.”) At the same time, I will use the phrase “at the end of the day,” meaning “ultimately,” forever. We all have our gripes and preferences.

However, beyond simple taste in expression, there are utterances that get in the way of communication. They often convey a different meaning than what we intend or even erase part of our communication. Three are particularly ineffective, almost offensive, and you hear them often.

Stay Strong

When I was going through cancer treatments, I wrote fairly frequently on social media, in essays, and otherwise about the experience. I was surrounded by a strong support system and, yet, undergoing surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and Herceptin treatments was scary and lonely at times. Often, well-meaning people would tell me to “stay strong.” Their intentions were good, and their expression came from a good place. But that phrase still grated.

There were days when I didn’t want to stay strong. There were days when it was all I could do to keep from curling up in a fetal position and crying until I fell asleep. At the time, my daughter was just nine. I loved my life. My prognosis was good, but the treatment made me feel sick and tired. When other people told me to “stay strong,” I felt that I couldn’t have a bad day or express myself and share hard feelings. And, really, isn’t that directive more about the person giving it not wanting to sit with the discomfort of another person’s pain? Plus, don’t tell me what to do. (Kidding. Kind of.)

If someone’s going through something difficult, instead of telling them to stay strong, consider validating their experience (“That must be really hard”) or simply expressing your love for and/or support of them.

Keep It Up

After my lipedema diagnosis clarified why my body continued to get larger no matter what kind of extreme calorie deficit or harsh exercise regimen I adopted, I studied the ways I could make it better. It’s been a long road; I have gained back the mobility I was losing and reduced chronic pain. My body weight is a three-digit number less than it was a few years ago. Prior to that, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would need to increasingly figure out accommodations. Not anymore. I am fully engaged in my life again.

That re-engagement, in and of itself, is the goal for me. Success will never be about the number on the scale or the size of the clothing I wear. This condition means that I will live with adipose tissue and pain for the rest of my life unless I undergo a series of surgeries. So, when people say, “keep it up,” it’s as if they’re saying, “You’re not done yet—you’re not quite good enough yet.” “ Keep it up" means you’re not at the finish line.

When someone shares an accomplishment, try acknowledging what they’ve done and then a full stop. “Congratulations on your achievement. You should be proud.” (I am.)

But

Three little letters have so much power when they’re strung together and planted in the middle of a sentence. No matter what praise comes before “but,” its value is lost. Think about it:

“I think you’re doing a great job, but . . .”
“You are correct in your analysis, but . . .”
“I love you, but . . .”

When I talked to communication consultant Diane Booher about the word “but” for a Fast Company story, she nailed it: “It acts like a mental eraser, and it often buries whatever you’ve said before it.”

Of course, you can't eliminate the word "but" from your vocabulary entirely. However, reconsider it when it's used to couch criticism with positive messaging or praise. Leadership consultant Karin Hurt suggests using an old improv technique and simply replacing the “but” with “and.” Or you can simply let the praise stand alone and then complete your next thought.

“I think you’re doing a great job, and I’d love to discuss leadership training to help you get even better.”

“You are correct in your analysis. Let’s look at another angle.”

“I love you. I’d like to talk about how we can communicate better.”

There’s a difference between communication that is simply annoying and that which undermines what we’re trying to say. Simple shifts can fix the issue, so thoughts convey the meaning we intend.

What other communication busters have you come across? I’d like to hear about them. Send me an email to connect@bloomanywhere.com.