Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and get more joy out of life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.
Lately, there’s been a disruption at my pool facility involving broken water heaters and morning swim regulars swapping places for temperature preference. The “serious swimmer” pool regulars have moved across campus to the “posh/indoor pool," which is now about 77 degrees. Their regular swim home has been cranked up to a balmy 85 degrees. It’s a lineup of champagne problems you can envision, so I’m sure I don’t have to go into much more detail.
When my reserved lane wasn’t available at the chillier “posh pool” one morning last week, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. The lifeguard and most of the folks there were from the other pool, which isn’t as strictly governed by lane reservations and habit. Several swimmers were taking a break and having a few laughs in the pool near where I stood. When I asked the lifeguard where I should swim, the men heard me and looked up to watch the exchange.
“Did you reserve a lane?” the lifeguard asked.
I told him that I had. He scanned the pool and told me to swim in the last lane, which is reserved for water exercises and where lap swimming is not typically allowed.
Change always requires flexibility, but my gut said, "No." While it was empty in the moment, I knew that some water aerobics regulars—people doing water therapy to recover from surgeries or injuries and those who prefer water resistance exercises to swimming—would soon be there.
But the hard-core swimmers were watching our exchange. I was standing there in my bathing suit. And the lifeguard had already moved on to deal with something else. I didn’t want to be difficult or make a scene, so I went into the water exercise area. I swam about six pool lengths before the water exercise folks began to arrive, cutting short my swim.
I knew immediately that I had been too nice.
The “nice” trap
“You're too nice” is irritating to me when people say it. It's usually not true, and a case where something else—kindness, compassion, empathy, low-stakes accommodation, friendliness, or silence (when chiming in is fruitless), to name a few—has been mistaken for niceness.
To me, the word nice is loaded. It’s a trap. Nice is settling because you don't want to deal with fighting for what you deserve. Nice is people-pleasing. Nice is not speaking up out of some fear. Nice is keeping the peace when the situation calls for a sledgehammer or, at least, some measure of pushback. Nice is inauthentic and unfair.
All of that was true in this case.
What I should have done was stand up for myself and insist on the lane that I had reserved. Swimming helps me manage a chronic health condition as well as my mental health. Losing one swim wasn’t earth-shattering, but it was worth fighting for, even if a bunch of guys at the shallow end of the pool thought I was being difficult. Plus, the more comfortable we get asking for what we need when the stakes are low, the stronger that muscle gets for other situations.
The case for not being nice
Poolside, I really was too nice because I was intimidated and uncomfortable. It was a small thing, but it bothered me that I didn't speak up for myself. It was another "out of my comfort zone" moment and a lesson re-learned.
Over the past weeks, the stories I’ve shared through this newsletter have been about issues that make "blooming anywhere" harder. Sacrificing what we need and want by being nice—meaning pleasant and agreeable—is easier, but will also derail our peace and progress more than almost anything else.
So, don't be nice today. I’m not suggesting that anyone be mean, uncivil, cruel, harsh, hurtful, or anything less than respectful of and kind to others. Be all of those other things that matter, but don’t be nice. In other words, don’t sacrifice what matters to you just because it’s easier or to make others happy.
How do you feel about being nice?
How do you feel about the concept of being too nice? Does the word “nice” bother you, or do you embrace a different meaning? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Shoot me an email at connect@bloomanywhere.com.
Bloom Drops
Things I want to share with you.
Time-blocking. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been overscheduling myself and feeling defeated at the end of the day. I’m going back to time-blocking, which helps me be more realistic about what can get done in a day. I introduced this concept to an acquaintance last year, and she called it “life-changing.”
Donating: Most of us know where to donate gently used clothing and furniture. However, so many other items are in demand by nonprofits. From old eyeglasses to stuffed animals to bras, here are some places that take more unusual items.
