Giving the Gift of Presence

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

During a lunch meeting last week, I got a phone call from one of those numbers that you don’t ignore. It was my father’s care facility. The nurse practitioner on the line said his health had quickly taken a turn for the worse. He was in end-stage heart failure and not likely to get better. He also has dementia, which makes treating him even more complicated.

Some things, even when you know them intuitively, hit hard when they are said aloud. My lunch was nearly over, and I felt dazed by the call. I drove back to my home office and packed up my laptop so I could take care of a few things remotely while spending time with him.

He was asleep when I arrived, so I set up a makeshift workstation on the extra table in the room. As I was doing so, he woke up, delighted to see me, as he always is. He was surprisingly lucid and, with great concern, told me about the trouble ferries were having getting into Manhattan because of the icy conditions.

The Gift of Presence

I had a project deadline that I had hoped to complete before he woke up. As he began to doze, I turned back to my editing. But the minute he noticed me doing so, he forced himself awake to make more chit-chat. Even with dementia, he is a master at small talk—cerebral muscle memory from a decades-long career in sales. Then, he began to make requests. He wanted the cookie that was just out of reach. He wanted cold water from down the hall. He dropped the remote. Could I please get it?

Soon, it was evident that he didn’t really want any of these things. He wanted my presence, my attention. And I owed that to him.

So, I closed the laptop and pushed the table away, focusing only on him. We sat for a few moments, and his restlessness quieted. We talked about how well family members were doing—my nephew’s and daughter’s great jobs and my brothers’ well-being. Soon, his exhaustion got the better of him, and he closed his eyes. Once I was sure he was sound asleep, I turned back to my project and met my deadline.

Sometimes, people just need our focus and undivided attention. Even so, that can feel impossible in this busy, tumultuous world that demands so much of us. However, there are few greater ways to express love and respect than being truly present and focused on someone else, making them feel like the most important person.

And, really, what’s more important than that?

I don’t know how much more time my father has. But I have vowed to be present with him whenever we’re sharing that time together.

If you'd like to drop me a note, I'm always happy to hear from you: connect@bloomanywhere.com.