The Estrangement Era Has Me Worried

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

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I recently read a statistic that gave me pause: Nearly four in 10 people have cut off at least one family member. The most common reasons among siblings are personality conflicts (29%) or lies or betrayal (29%). Estrangements from parents are often caused by manipulative behavior (34%) or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse (34%).

And we’re ditching our friends, too. Two-thirds of Americans (68%) say they decided to end a friendship and carried through with it.

At the same time, we’re in the midst of a “loneliness epidemic” where many are experiencing unwanted social isolation. Should we be so quick to cut off those who are closest to us? And what are the boundaries we need to enforce to keep ourselves safe?

Welcome to the Estrangement Era

In Robert Frost’s poem, “Mending Wall,” he explores the concept of boundaries. The narrator and his neighbor set out to repair a broken wall. When the narrator questions why they need the wall at all in certain places, the neighbor responds, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This makes sense to the narrator on one level, but the poem also questions whether those restrictions create needless barriers that hurt our ability to connect with others. Good fences—the ones that protect us—can indeed provide important protections. At the same time, we see plenty of “bad” metaphorical fences that create bias and drive division.

I know about both kinds of fences, the good and the bad. For much of my life, the concept of personal boundaries was tough for me. While I had no issue negotiating or setting standards on a professional level, I often let too much slide on the personal side. I allowed people to take advantage of me. I gave in during arguments and decisions because keeping the peace was more important to me than the bad outcome I feared. Instead of discussing my concerns, I ignored my own fences until they collapsed, causing resentment and, ultimately, damage to relationships or other unwanted outcomes.

Over the years, I’ve gotten far better at standing up for myself, living my values, and not allowing certain behaviors to continue; I’m better at enforcing my boundaries. I regret (most of) the losses that my less boundary-aware self caused. I wish I could go back and make better decisions about my boundaries.

The Decision to Disconnect

And that regret worries me when I see an increasing number of people around me cutting off relationships or contact with others because of transgressions, and I worry about the long-term cost. One woman I know cut off a family member after years of emotional abuse. An acquaintance ghosted one of her friends over a political difference. (Today, that can also be a difference in values and morality.) And I’ve been on the receiving end, too: Someone I considered a longtime friend cut off contact when I canceled a lunch date for yet again during a chaotic period in my life. I haven’t heard from her in about a decade.

As I often do, I consulted my 23-year-old daughter about the concept of cutting off people and my concerns about the practice. (As an aside, I am a big fan of Generation Z, as a whole. I believe they have so much figured out. But that’s another newsletter topic.) We both agreed that there are abusive situations that warrant estrangement and that physical and psychological safety are important. However, we also agreed that people are flawed and that many of us could do a better job of communicating our feelings with the people we love—and listening when we’re approached with such conversations.

“Some people just need to go out, get a margarita with their friends, and talk about it,” she said. She also shared a line from a recent social media post: “Can we bring back inconveniencing ourselves for the people that deserve it?”

Those two statements carry outsized wisdom. Communication. Sacrifice. Care. Those are some of the foundational elements of any good relationship. And while not all relationships can be salvaged, we would, without a doubt, find ourselves with greater connection and less loneliness if we put those values into action.

So, yes, we should have boundaries that are in place for our own well-being. But it’s okay for them to be a little squishy—not ignored like my ill-advised approach from my younger years, but allowed a certain amount of give and grace for the people who deserve it.

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Bloom Drops

Things I want to share with you.

Connecting: Loneliness is a real issue for many people. If you need more connection in your life, there are many ways to get it. I loved this piece in the new Substack, “The Unplanned Pivot,” which shares some interesting platforms aimed at connection. My writer friend, Melody Warnick, wrote a book a few years ago about making friends in a new place. The book, entitled This is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place Where You Live, has great ideas for connecting with others and building community that are relevant even if you’ve been in the same place for years.