Setting Conversational Ground Rules Can Facilitate Communication

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and find more joy in life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

Years ago, I was having a conversation with someone close to me. She was venting about a problem. My inner fixer had at least a dozen recommendations, all jockeying for position in my head. But I got the sense that she didn’t want advice. When the conversation paused, I decided to ask a question.

“I can give you advice or just listen—which would you prefer?”

That simple question has become a game-changer in how I communicate with others.

Be the Sage or Hold the Space?

As it turned out that day, my loved one just needed an ear and didn’t want advice. Once I knew the assignment, I was able to focus more on the conversation instead of searching the dark corners of my brain for yet another resource or tip. Sometimes, people just need a space to vent or share something going on in our lives without the listener telling them what to do.

However, there are other times when we are seeking advice or confirmation that we’re not alone. While some maintain that unsolicited advice is criticism, I disagree—sometimes.

I think many of us have also had the experience of sharing something, whether it’s a frustration, situation, or conundrum, with someone else in the hope that they’ll have some advice. When our outpouring is met with a flat, “That must be hard,” or “How does that make you feel?” the exchange can feel deeply unsatisfying.

Sometimes, we want to know what the other person would do or that we’re not alone, even if we don’t articulate it. In those cases, personal experiences and advice are welcome and wanted. At the same time, there are instances when we know what must or should be done and just need a place to air it out before we take action. When someone responds by telling us what we already know…well, that’s annoying. And it’s equally annoying for the advice-giver who not only gave time to the conversation but also put thought into the recommendations.

Setting expectations or ground rules for conversations may seem awkward. After all, some of us pride ourselves on being great listeners or communicators. But a quick check-in to be sure you understand what the other person needs ensures that you’re putting the best of those skills to work in the right way for everyone.

What Are Your Connection Tips?

Are there ways you’ve found to better connect with others? Conversation hacks? Helpful listening tips? I’d love to hear about them. Send me your best. I’d love to include them in a future newsletter: connect@bloomanywhere.com.