Steps to Take When Life Is Chaotic

Hi. Welcome to Bloom Anywhere. I'm Gwen Moran, a writer, editor, author, and problem-solver. My goal is to share information, ideas, and resources to help you overcome obstacles, reach your goals, and get more joy out of life, even when things are messy. Thanks for joining me. (If you got this from a friend, subscribe here: Bloom Anywhere.) I'd love your feedback and suggestions for future topics. Please send me an email: connect@bloomanywhere.com.

There are plenty of platitudes about managing the stress and difficult times.

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” (Even when the matter isn't small.)
“This, too, shall pass.”

Not one of them is helpful.

But, last year, I spoke to experts who helped me shed some light on dealing with life's chaotic times. The following is adapted from a piece I wrote for Fast Company.

Half of our life is spent recovering from "lifequakes."

Author and four-time TED speaker Bruce Feiler, who wrote Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age, calls the big disruptors in our lives—divorce, overcoming the death of a loved one, serious illness, etc.—“lifequakes.” He estimates that the average length of a lifequake is about five years and that we spend roughly half our adult lives in transition from such big events. So, he says, “if we’re going to go through these periods, we might as well try to do that—maybe not more efficiently—but more effectively.”

So, stop momentarily and recognize that you’re facing a big challenge. Life isn’t linear, he adds, so stop beating yourself up for expecting it to be so. Letting go of that linear expectation also lets you shed the pressure of being “off track” or “off schedule,” Feiler says. “The truth is, everybody is that way. And so, our lives are fine.”

Lean into your coping tools.

When you’re in the throes of a massive life event or loss, it’s a good time to dust off your self-care tools. Ground yourself by remembering the challenges you’ve faced before and overcome, suggests psychiatrist Gail Saltz, author ofBecoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back. “Resilience is not about just having coping tools in the moment, including talking to a trusted friend, exercise, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation—whatever works for you. Conversely, she says, don’t go for the shortcuts to feeling better, like alcohol, unhealthy comfort foods, or other potentially destructive habits.

Embrace routines.

During tumultuous times, routines can be helpful, says career coach and former executive Corean Canty.. She calls them “sacred brackets.” For example, how do you start and end your days? Think about how you can structure your time to take care of yourself. “Let me set up my morning so I fill my cup first, so I’m doing things for me, and I’m not just getting out of bed and jumping into work or my phone or everyone else,” she explains. Similarly, how do you wind down and try to get the rest you need at the end of your day? Finding routines that work for you can help you create a rhythm of care you need.

Start with your strengths.

Feiler says that transitions have phases: The “long goodbye” is when you say “goodbye” to the way things used to be. You may mourn the past or use some ritual to mark the change.

The second phase is the “messy middle” where you’re shedding certain habits and experimenting with new ones. The third is the “new beginning,” where you unveil your new self and update your life story. But, as you’re going through the transition, don’t feel like you need to enter each phase in order, he adds. Instead, start where you’re strongest.

Don't dismiss your feelings.

Throughout the process, it’s important to be aware of your feelings and not dismiss or “stuff” them, Saltz says. “Often, when people are highly stressed or highly anxious, highly upset, they—for lack of a better term—‘turtle,’” she says. “They don’t acknowledge and don’t reach out. They try to contain it and don’t want to tell people what’s going on—maybe even feeling a sense of shame about what’s going on. But that’s really the opposite of what would help you and help you to do well at work too.” Think about the people and resources you might need when things get tough, and reach out to any of them if you’re able to do so.

Review your "meaning" ratios.

When you’re in the thick of a crisis, prioritizing what’s most important can feel impossible. Feiler suggests figuring out your “ABCs of meaning” to help you get clarity:

• A is agency: This is what you do, build, or create. For many of us, this relates to our work.
• B is belonging: This area includes relationships: family, friends, and larger communities.
• C is your cause: This is your calling or purpose—something greater than yourself in which you believe.

Each of these takes up a portion of your time, focus, and energy. Feiler suggests this exercise: Give yourself a score of 100 and divide what you put into agency, belonging, and cause. The ratios will likely change throughout your life, especially when a lifequake happens. You may have been putting 60% into work, but that ratio may change when you have children or need to care for an aging relative. The ratio may change again if you’re dealing with illness or loss.

Build resilience infrastructure

Whether you’re dealing with a significant life event now or may have one in the future, Canty says it’s a good idea to think about how you can prepare for such times. As a former executive, she engages in scenario planning—thinking about various situations and what the solutions are if things go awry. How can you build a support system on which you can lean when life gets tough? In addition, she says that it’s important to think about how we build our own stress-management tools to help us make better decisions when we’re stressed and in fight-or-flight response, when we may not be thinking clearly.

Shed something

Feiler says these periods of transition often make us involuntarily shed something, such as a relationship or a way of being, but they can also be an opportunity to shed something that we don’t like or that is holding us back.

“There’s probably some aspect of your personality or your habits or your way of living that you didn’t like,” he says. Use this time to change that too. Do something creative. Work on changing unhealthy habits. As you emerge from this period of change and tumult, using your hands or body to make something new can lead to greater well-being—the idea that you can create a new self, too,” he says. That’s an idea that can help give us hope during dark times.

How do you deal with tough times?

What's your approach for weathering difficult times? I'd love to share your insights in a future newsletter. Share them with me at connect@bloomanywhere.com.

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